All Behold: Monkeytooth Cometh

Are you sick and tired of people who brag about how cute their child/pet is? We'll you're in luck 'cause this is one of those times. We often personify our Pomeranian mongrel by voicing a high-pitched intonation as to what we think she is saying or what she might say if she actually had a voice. We talk at her and she just sits there, sometimes eagerly wagging her tail. The dog hardly barks and while she's intelligent by dog standards, the dialogue that we assign to her is mostly beyond her comprehension, we're thinking - the wife and I. At first, it started out as a bad impression of some foreign national who works behind the counter at a convenience store but now the voice has evolved into a cartoonish character - kind of like Puck in the old Hercules cartoons on TV. It's usually a voice of defiance, as in "Come, Emily, time for your medicine." and she just sits there, on the couch wagging her tail. But this is what we think she is says in a high-pitched voice: "No, I'm not going, bitches. Ha-Ha!" And these go on with elaborations and variations. In fact, the voice is so high-pitched now that only Megan can do the Emily voice and I can only do a pale imitation.

What really gets Emily excited and interactive is that rare occassion when we eat at the dinner table and she parks conveniently underfoot, anxiously awaiting ground scores. One night I'm eating pork chops and it was during hockey season (this become relevant later). I'm chewing at the bone and I'm try to clean the thing of every single molecule of meat because it is so savory. But I just can't get to those spaces. My jaw is to big and my tooth pattern circumference just won't let be get into those nooks and crannies. Just as I'm about to give up when I see a very anxious 12-pound dog who is sitting politely, wagging vigorously and cocking her small head to the side. "Ha, Ha, Monkeytooth," she said in the high-pitched voice. It dawned on me that the dog's snout would be perfect for getting at those molecules of meat that I missed. So, she saw me eating the bone, and not doing a very good job at it because I'm a primate with poorly adapted jaw structure. So not only does the Emily voice have a pitch, it has a cadence. You know that little organ riff they play at hockey games right before the faceoff, you know the one they do to get the home crowd into it "Deh-deh, duh-duh-duh," Now repeat that with the words "Ha, Ha Monkeytooth."